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Amanda
17 January 2011 @ 12:07 am

Between clouds and corridors,

Transitory tapestries,

Captures of junctures,

a constellation of emotion,

strewn across my mind's eye.

 

A thousand days melding

into story satellites,

Beaming reflections,

as I release my life

into the care of strangers.

 

Such hospitable sterility,

As I wander between realities,

In these hives of migration,

these pauses prior destination.
 

 

Mom,

Fragile, inebriated, mystery,

We parted through glass,

Years later I woke,

To the lessons you lived.

 

My frail attempts to love,

Exposed in fluorescent limbo,

Crumbling self effacement,

Tethered to fear.

 

And for years,

As I'd watch these planes take off,

A hunger for a home would seep in,

Only I see now,

No place , no structure can fulfill,

For home is beneath my skin.


 

 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Missy Higgins
 
 
Amanda
15 January 2011 @ 07:39 am

It seems to me with each unfolding year,

Lies a pattern of euphoria in greet of a new slate,

a cycle of resolutions and pretty explosions,

Dissolving sorrow in chemical reactions,

Proclaiming that this will be a year of living.

 

I'm awake at night, in apathy to festivity,

Idealizing an end to these barricades,

These masks under which our true thoughts lie,

Behind eyes transfixed by the surface of things.

 

An undercurrent of sorrow,

over this disparity I've come to know,

We're split into realities so wildly different,

Divided and disconnected in perception,

 Supremely acquisitive as others dream of survival,

Ever defiant of our innate connections,

 to each other and these lands we all ought call home,

Our hearts feeble, despite our claims to  sophistication. 

 

I don't intend to conjure negativity,

Perhaps it is the domain of the melancholy,

To meander through thoughts of purpose,

To dedicate their finite time to contribution,

For in their eyes, they are too small to ever matter,

if they were to live for themselves. 


 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Swing Life Away
 
 
Amanda
03 January 2011 @ 03:28 am
What's the use, swaying to this serenade,

Roaming in dreams, a world with fervor I made.

For a verdict comes, through her reticence,

I've only cast hopeful illusions, across polite indifference.



Though I know, I know there's no defeat,

in all this honesty, to caged hurt I retreat.

For I'm weary, so weary of this dissonance,

passion misdirected, deep into silence.



There's a muse in my mind, abstract but strong,

Fiction fiend, or some mutual spark buried long ,

I know not, for certainty is a fool's elixir,

All i can attest to, is the attempt to find her.
 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Colorblind
 
 
Amanda
02 January 2011 @ 01:10 pm

It's the new year and I'm hoping that this year is less dynamic than last year. I can't believe how different my life is from just one year ago. I've learned so much and Im such a different person than I was. I'm still not sure if it's for the better or not. I'm happy for the most part...of course I get sad still but who doesn't? I haven't been feeling too poetic lately and it's not because I don't have anything to say. I have a ton of stuff just melting away in my head...I just don't feel the need..or even know how to put it all out there. I used to be so good at it...just saying what was on my mind but now I just come up short. It's getting annoying, especially since I just want to let it all out. My feelings and emotions...but nothing. Sigh. Maybe this won't be forever....well, time to be bored on this ridiculous island. Adios.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

 
 
Amanda
25 December 2010 @ 04:54 pm

So it is christmas day... I thought I could be 100% possitive for today but im not sure that is happening. It's just hard for me. Have you ever felt like home no longer exists? Cause thats what ive been feeling ever since i joined the navy. As hard as I try, I can't feel that feeling again. I never thought that would disappear. It's something you dont think about. But I miss that feeling. It's something I'm sure will never come back. I dont know why i feel so emotional today. It's strange. I've been trying to delete the negativity from my life. Thats harder that i thought. Deleting people...things...from my life is difficult. But its the only thing i could think of to be possitive. Well, me and a buddy are about to go to the a christmas dinner. The fourth one i have had in the navy. Hopefully it isnt too bad. Not the food part... Cause that really isnt important to me. Its all the company. Which im lucky that i have a great bunch of friends here. Adios peoples.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:
 
 
 
Amanda
21 December 2010 @ 08:26 pm
Christmas is almost here and I'm pretty excited. I wont let the fact that I'm stuck on a deserted island get me down. I even got a tiny tree from the store. Jessica sent me little ornaments for it and I decorated it today. I even have a bunch of gifts underneath it. Not to mention, Mabel sent me an awesome stocking. I'm sure it was put together by Aimee, though. Still cute and still made me smile. I'm on duty this week also but its a million times better than duty on the Essex! Here are some pictures :D


This is Turtle Cove. Those round things are Sea Turtles. Cute!



Another of Turtle Cove.



A picture of a crab I took with my underwater camera.




One of the crazy donkey's that we have on the island.



My finished christmas tree with presents and my stocking from Mabel :D
 
 
Current Location: Bldg 17 Room 214
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
 
 
Amanda
18 December 2010 @ 08:07 am

The new year is rapidly approaching so I thought I would recap my year. I'm sure it has to be one of the most eventful years of my life. The beginning of it, I was in a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Then it ended. That wasn't the easiest thing to get over but I did. In that I had a few health scares. One with my appendix and another with my heart (coincidently it was after the break up). The appendix was easily fix and I'm glad I got it because on that leave time, i realized a ton of things on that current relationship that eventually helped me make my decision on it. The heart part is still a little scary. The doctors don't know why it skipped out of beat and it could always happen again until they pin point a reason. I'll just stay positive about it and keep telling myself that it was a one time thing. After that whole crap, on top of the transfer from the ship, i was also dealing with school and family issues. My brother stole over $7000 from mom and it's still hard for me to forgive him for that. I haven't talked to him in almost 3 months. However, on brighter news, my brother corwin and I couldn't be any closer. It's amazing how alike we are and I'm so glad that i actually got to spend time with him this leave period. Not only that, but I have decided that i want to go to school in Portland. It's amazing there. The people, the food, the architecture. Really, it's just perfect. Not to mention my brother that I'm still establishing a relationship after so many years.

I also am getting college out of the way. I have only 15 credit hours left for my associates! I already enrolled in a university online since this island is sooo boring. I start in January! Another great thing that happened this year is I finally made second!!!! I made it even though the percentage was only 7%. Woot. It felt good to put it on finally. Even though I'm ready to get out of the navy, i still don't regret joining. Yes, its altered the way i feel about the world from all the people I've met but that's just a life lesson that was way over due. Life and people are not perfect and I know that now. I've also made some amazing friends! Without that I wouldn't have explored the world and discovered myself. However, I am ready to have my freedom back as soon as i possibly can.

Okay, moving on. Another change in my life is Cathy and Marie have moved. After marie found all that money, they decided to buy this beautiful new house. It's strange that when I go home next time, it will be in a strange place but a part of life is about moving on. I could really go on and on about everything this year. It is so full of hope and promise after such a difficult start. I think the largest and most profound lesson that i have learned is that I'm easily replaceable. That may sound like a shitty lesson to learn but I love it. It will help me stay independent and never again get caught up in that relationship stuff. I don't need anyone to survive and they obviously don't need me. Cause if you replace someone so quickly, then they must not have meant anything to you.,..which happened twice to me this year. So, it's easy to say, I will NEVER need someone In my life. And the people I do choose to keep around are irreplaceable to me. Each relationship will be worth more than I can imagine. However, I won't succumb to ever needed anyone again. It's not how I was raised or how i learned to grow up and it won't ever be me.

This is my year of 2010 and it will just keep getting better after the years go on.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

 
 
Amanda
11 December 2010 @ 12:28 pm
Blah  
I've decided that I'm broken. I had the chance to have sex with two ladies. Different nights, of course. They were in my bed, wanting to have sex with me and I just turned them down. Both of them were very attractive, too. I don't get it. On leave, I had tons of girls. Mostly to have a bed to sleep in but, either way, I had them. But, now, I'm not comfortable. It's a strange feeling for me. I think its because of all the shit that is going on in my head. I swear, I'm trying so hard not to think about all the negative crap that girls bring. I've been deleting them from my life, which usually works....and has worked for me, most of the time. But, not for when it comes to sex. Or maybe it is my sub conscious telling me that having sex with girls on the island is not a good idea. Which I pretty much agree with. However, I do enjoy sex. It does bring my mood up. Sigh. Maybe when I'm on leave it will come back. Anyways, when i'm not thinking about girls, I'm pretty damn awesome. I don't know why people get into relationships. It's just messy. 

On good news, I had a set amount of money that I was going to save before leaving this island and even though I'm not getting paid as much as I was in Japan, I am still saving so much more than I thought! It's just an amazing thought that I am going to college and saving money at the same time. I will have my associates plus more after this island and, hopefully, by the time I'm out of the navy, I will have my BA. It's a great feeling after so much bad news. Yeah, I'm still avoiding my brother and all his drama. I have a feeling that I am going to loose him forever after what he did. I just cant bring myself to forgive him just yet. Hopefully there is no regret in it all. Well, I'm going to head out. I figured I would just post a nice little update. There is so much going on in my life that it seemed appropriate for it. Adios.
 
 
Current Location: Diego Garcia
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Fuck You- Cee Lo Green
 
 
Amanda
26 November 2010 @ 09:41 pm

Through the nervous tension I was honest,

Stumbling through the reasons I care,

the beauty I see and my urgency to share,

Ending years of retreating silence

with the unfolding of tenderness.

 

She reeled with shock,

She searched for words.

She thanked and acknowledged,

Expressed being deeply touched,

She mentions another,

Not a word of me.

 

That deep space could not last,

Like warm breath on a winter night,

Fighting collapse right from exhalation.

I watch a fallen feather at our feet,

longing for the night sky from a drive way.

 

This home for her I built,

threatens collapse,

It scares me to the core.

 

I loathe this conditionality

but is reciprocity an endurance,

a patient wait for recognition,

Or is authenticity and vulnerability

a mystical instance of connection

that is recognised or left untouched,

Cherished or feared in that moment.

 

The strings of identity pull with familiar pain,

There is such weariness in the aftermath

of exposing the content of ones soul to silence,

Was this all the practice of attempt?

A hard lesson in exploring possibility?

An opening of a door?

 

For I feel that I am continuously apologising 

for emotion, for intensity, for depth and  honesty,

A life of contribution can sometimes appear 

to isolate and render one an observer of all intimacy.

That ...I am ashamed to feel.

 

Perhaps one day I will smile,

I will see beauty in all this emotion I have felt,

In these landscapes I create each time,

Even If only beneath this chest, If only seen by me.

Perhaps they are still real,

like the dreams of a feather.


 
 
Current Location: Diego Garcia
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Floggy Molly-Far Away Boys
 
 
Amanda
20 November 2010 @ 01:54 pm
Rain  

There's something about the slow cascade of rain,

the ashen clouds releasing ascended tears,

to nurture the parched intentions

of wanderers far below.


Shadows and reticence,

These shivers in shelters from the strain

of these journeys towards honesty.

Stumbling through lonesome corridors,

in seek of some golden ground.

  

I'll descend from the comfort of my reasons, 

Before I lose my sense to feel,

 Let me fall to be of use

with no mind to where I'll land.

.

Like these raindrops,

Bold with purpose. 


 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Killers