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Amanda
24 May 2011 @ 11:30 pm
I'm excavating the Summer sky,

Past my cloudy conclusions.

The street pulses footsteps,

Yours yet to arrive.



I am trembling hopeful,

You are achingly beautiful,

I'm twisting on beams of the sun,

You don't believe, but It's your sun.



I recognise those weary outlines,

Those sketches of old storylines,

In a morbid dance with suspicion,

Fearing with such devotion.



I'm grasping for words to explain,

The depths of my past refrain,

All those tangles in my heart,

the truths thought tore apart.



For I long to know everything,

Be given a part without a script,

To speak from the very depths,

For the end comes too soon...

 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: recumbentrecumbent
Current Music: Shelter-XX
 
 
Amanda
08 May 2011 @ 09:26 am
I don't pretend I know my thoughts,
I'm turning corners bent for me,
With pockets for second hand dreams
and weary feet under neon beams,
I am cold upon miles of concrete.

What am I going to do?
Please, Please tell me!
About this routine malaise,
This twisting turbulent haze
That fills my innards with dread,
as I'm compressed into silence
and converge with indifference.

Somewhere this world overwhelmed,
A child's fantasy turned bitter with truth;
With the rearing of relentless teeth
and incisions into unsuspecting skin.

Cosy thoughts of a new life,
I've painted their tender portraits
with a palette of joy...
and I hold, I hold them dear,
In pockets of sleep
where I see clearly.

Upon wake, I breathe and walk on,
In service to some obscure survival,
A fear entrenched into my blood.
Am I but a ...
A kafkaesque cliche,
a caricature of a woman,
An existential crisis
unfolding
in an empty
alleyway.
 
 
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
 
 
Amanda
08 May 2011 @ 09:23 am
You erupt from a valley of silence,
"These streets suffer dreamers,
I've grown enough to sow
my own fertile ambitions
into a different earth,
free of these preclusions,
My bones hungry for the sun
and not its rippling reflections."

These walls were never built to contain,
I've fallen from your heaven my dear,
To a shadow of your towering hero,
Raw and vulnerable, all scars exposed,

Of course there is a world beyond us,
A whole flow of opportunity at your feet.
Yet if you should ever find the world cold,
Unreceptive of your careless intentions,
These arms and ears are full of love,
A sanctuary for each resurgence,
as you carry responsibility unlike Atlas.

We'll always be young my love,
Our fault is only in forgetting,
That we are as tender as we were,
beneath these heavy bones.
Powerful in our innocent lullabies,
In awe of each and everything
and its part in who we are
and who will be.
 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Silence...
 
 
Amanda
21 February 2011 @ 08:20 pm
Not privy to your elliptical affections,

Left standing in a fading opal light,

You're dissecting my intentions,

I offer no resistance.



I'm shapeless, I'm human clay,

Would you have it ...any other way?

A congress in your wounded heart

conspires to tear mine apart.



Set yourself free, flee the scene,

A cautioning moonlit whisper,

But I'll remain and you'll unfold,

For you aren't your armour,

you aren't your armour.
 
 
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Current Music: Oliver James
 
 
Amanda
18 February 2011 @ 06:49 am
An older, unreleased piece



I must confess that I am a sensitive instrument,

So delicate in the face of the wind,

My heart singing with aching ecstasy,

flowing through the subtleties of my senses,

through the blood of my consciousness,

painting vivid visions of life.



And I wonder in the grip of this bittersweeet ache,

of the relationship between the observer of beauty

and the object of admiration.

Are there borders between them?

Deep down I long for there not to be.

For is not the perception of beauty, the very ability,

Beauty in itself?

Exposed, revealed,

through the purity of ones senses.



Thus my eyes glaze with tears of joy,

that my brethren would have me hide,

to preserve an illusion of masculinity.

As I gaze upon her face so delicate,

the dappled sunlight in the park,

and the reviving flow of the river.



For beauty has existed spaces beyond me.

In the troubled spaces of my mind,

I see the extent of this delusion,

For beauty lies not in the objects of our affection

but in our very ability to perceive with passion.
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
 
Amanda
17 February 2011 @ 11:25 pm

I watch people trying to convince theirselves that they are in love with someone. I find myself trying to convince me that I'm not in love with someone. It's getting to be an issue. I haven't been sleeping, I'm unhappy, and I feel like a doormat. I know what I have to do but I still can't bring myself to do it. Life sucks and I honestly have nobody to talk to about it. Even if I did...I wouldn't. I know what any rational person would say to me. And if I were being rational then I would follow their advice. I have a set date...and if it doesn't improve, then I will do the next step.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

 
 
Amanda
16 February 2011 @ 12:11 pm
Bleh  
I'm a complete sucker...it's official.
 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
 
 
Amanda
05 February 2011 @ 04:55 pm

Well, writers block is taking hold once again. Most inconvenient since I have so much to say. Just really emotional lately. I have a ton of things to blame for this. Maybe it is my undying emo side of me just crying to get out or just the fact that my life is full of disappointments. I guess I'm sort of a pro by now of things not working out like I would like them to. I even tried the whole positive side of thinking. That was a complete bust. So when will I reek the benefits of this hard work? Is that something that will ever be recognized? At this point I just don't care. I've stop caring about my life in general. I go through stages of happiness and depression but it seems that ever since I heard this news, I've been pretty emotionless. I just don't know how to feel. I guess i have this stupid idea that I would actually get want I wanted and things would work out how I dreamed them. Again, so silly of me to be optimistic. Though, it did open my eyes a bit on another situation. It's something that I really need to address. Something that I know in my heart to be true but something I can't actually admit to myself officially. I guess I will never love again. I fell slightly souless. As if I will never open my heart to another. God that sounds so emo... But sadly it's true. I can't imagine loving again. It's an emotion that is too hopeful for me and I'm no longer a hopeful person. Maybe it's time I remove my tattoo that says hope on my back. I guess there was a reason it didn't heal correctly. Wow. I haven't been this emotional in forever. I've been in tears all day. I haven't cry since...I don't know how long. I guess it feels great. I think the last time I actually cried was before carol. Waaaay before carol. Not that carol wasn't worth crying for. She was, but I couldn't do it. I tried to...to make myself feel better about everything but nothing came out, I think that is why it was so hard to get over her...if I actually am. I like to think so. That all the feelings that I feel are just as friends. It's just hard to know for sure. I know when she talks of this girl, that I do hurt. I'm pretty sure that I never made her feel the same way, I guess I'm still not over the fact that she moved on so easily...even if it was with someone that she didn't truly love. Maybe I'm just second best to someone else...which seems to be the case in most situations. I suppose I can settle with someone and be somewhat happy. That's an option. But as of now, I'm just going to live my life the way I'm being told to and continue to stay alone and souless. The end.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Tags:
 
 
Amanda
02 February 2011 @ 06:14 am
A collision of wind and rain

weaving through the air tonight.

Our star fueled ambitions

teasing through a neon haze.



Were we like this too?

Painted drunken blue.



Wasting our days in our minds,

Television religion, tethered to rent.

Painting sky castles on soiled walls,

Middle fingers reserved for politicians,

our angst kept us violent and warm.


Chasing some notion of love

in backrooms and day dreams,

This city is a spiral of illusions

twisting with our pretensions.




Those were savage days downtown,

As you said, "you wake or you drown"

We traced our shadows that night,


watched old ghosts take flight.
 
 
Current Location: DG
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: none
 
 
Amanda
25 January 2011 @ 07:06 am
I've been mining the dregs of a swirling mind,

parting through smoke and residue for sense.

Is this but the husk of my affliction

or some murky severance from

heart sparks and vague ideas?.




An undercurrent of nameless desires,

collecting in an ocean I have no vessel for.


Or do I merely deceive with logic labyrinthian,

From the truth I keep in shame,

The fear of charting forward in solitude.
 
 
Current Location: Room 214
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Damien Rice